From Uncle, To Nephew

Het, now!
Wow! A typo on the very first word! It’s been a long time

since I’ve used my trpewriter.

This DWI shit has shut me down COLD! Luckily, I live in a

crackhouse, and there’s OODLES of work to do, coupled by the

fact that my neighbo has UNLIMITED SUPPLIES of patio block

and bricks.

It started out innocently enough w/a modest, 10x 10’ patio,

then I decided to connect my exiting sidewalk in a “U” pattern

around our BBQ area, and I did such a great job that Linda

bought a very nice patio set. There’s only 2 of us, but we

have accommodations for 10.

THEN, she buys this GI-NORMOUS tent (12x10 gazebo), so I had

to further expand THAT. Add on to that a skinny, round fireplace

w/a hood exhaust that I found on the job, throw in next to that a

small BBQ type brick structure. And, you have PARTY CENTRAL,

in the middle of NO-WHERE!

I’m doing what Pablo Escabar did. He was the big coke dealer

that terrorized Columbia in the ‘90’s. They finally made a

deal where he would build his OWN prison, complete w/all the

ammenities.

I have the TRAIN SET in the basement, but I’m, trying to blow

some heat down there by either using a cast iron stove or a

kerosene heater. I need giant flue pipe to conduct heat.

We can’t use the boiler, ‘cus the fuel’s too expensive. We

beat that by running the OVEN at 300˚, and that’s enough to

heat the upstairs living space.

So, if you come here, you’ll have to drive anywhere to hit

water and a recreational place to hang. But, it’s very serene,

and people who do come here become de-stressed. This is an

Unexpected feeling of safety and tranquility.

I have MY OWN ISLAND! If you look at an Ocean Co phone book,

you’ll find in the MAP SECTION “swan point” right under the

MANTOLOKING BRIDGE. This is my crab zone. Beaton Bros Boat

works allowed me to lock up my canoe to a power pole. I used it

for crabbing, when I finally realized that I had my OWN BEACH

if I wanted. I called it ASSHOLE ISLAND, since you can be on

and not be bothered by others.


The beach comes COMPLETE w/buoys. Nobody’s gonna drown on MY

watch! All you have to do is wwim so that if you DO get in

trouble, you’ll drift w/the current INTO the buoy line and pull

yourself to the short. Naturally, they’re just for show, but I feel

that all the ocean beaches SHOULD have buoy lines.

Everyone says I should STOP DRINKING and BE MISERABLE JUST

LIKE THEM! If I had kids, I guess. I feel that the END of the

world is at hand, there’s too many people, and fuck all that

shit. Besides, what’s a game of CHESS w/o a nice, COLD BEER

or 12?

I don’t need to be OPRAH RICH. I just need enough to get by,

like the American Indians. Live off the land, take ONLY what

you need, and share the world w/others. That’s my plan.

Tell all those young college girls that Uncle John would

LOVE to have HOT, WILD, END OF THE WORLD SEX w/them!

The secret is you have to wait 11 dats after they “bleed

out” before you can enter the manhole. A woman is fertile for

8 days after her period, so add 2 days, and you shouldn’t have

any unwanted aliens.

Of course, oral sex is best- I just LOVE talking about it!

That’s a joke- when I was 20, a 10 yr old girl ssked me about

sex- What’s a 69? I quickly said It’s a miracle! That’s when

the METS won the World Series!

Then she asked what’s oral sex? I said, well that’s when

people TALK about it.

Anyway, don’y tap any girls until you have their “schedule”

On drunk driving- It only takes 2 BEERS to be considered a

drunk driver. This is, of course ridiculous, but they have to

go by a LIGHTWEIGHT. They fucked it up for all us pros.

Don’t throw cigs out the window, don’t drive anyone else’s

car, and don’t trust ANYONE’s word, like I did w/that retarded

A HOLE I knew for 24 yrs. If you drink in the AM, pass out,

wake up and drive, it’ll still show up. Have cherry Hall’s

(alka-Hall’s) and/or Peanut Butter on hand.

This is the new Russia, and the UFO’s are coming. If they

DO exist, the time is SHORT! The U S Gov’t wants us to con-

tenuously pop out kids, to keep the taxes rolling in. The

problem is that we’ll soon be going to war over WATER! The

world’s collapsing w/the weight of the HUMAN RACE.


Chris Chappelle, my wicked stepbrother, said that the best

Thing to do is get into a business that is REGULATED, such as

Plumbing. Any unskilled labor is being overrun by MEXICANS,

So you’re a dime a dozen.

By the way, he’s very loyal and a good man. Any way he can

fit me. he does. I keep him laughing.

But, you are young, and all is not gloom and doom. If you

get pregnant, that’ll change. You’ll be on a “have to” schedulr.

Unless you hit the MEGA MILLIONS. Speaking of which, I’m a

lotto player. You DON’T have to spend much $ to play. What you

wanna do is play a certain PATTERN. For example, I play the

CA$H 5. You have to pick 5#’s out of 40 right.

So, I play 1- “teen#”, 2- “20’s”, and 2- “30’s”. $1.00/day.

If that pattern comes up, I’m barking up the right tree.

And now, the crab trap. I feel that we’ll need $3M to start

the factory, and make $8M return. UNCLE JOHN’s ORIGINAL CONE

TRAP is DIRECTLY AIMED AT the LAWS.

The LAW sez: You CANNOT keep anything under 4½”, point to

point. The CONE TRAP is a combo of a 5 gallon bucket and a

traffic cone. I thought of this way back when I was 8. I fig-

ured that if a crab enters the large end to feed on the bait,

once you pull it, the force of the water will drive ALL crabs

to the small end, which is purposely big enough so that any

UNDERSIZED crab will AUTOMATICALY ESCAPE. Thusw, you won’t

manhandle them and damage them by losing their claws, or

causing unnecessary deaths. That’s the RECREATIONAL design.

THEN, for people who live on lagoons, you can fit a “face” on

it, just like a MARYLAND pot. These faces also have a built-

in “TURTLE EXCLUDER”, which is also req’d by State Law if the

lagoon is under 150’ wide, to protect the Terrapins. It’s

harder to get crabs into the 2x6” entrance, but is horrible

to see a poor turtle that drowned. So, I make ALL my traps w/

that feature STANDARD.

State sez: the squares MUST BE 1” diagonally , but I argue

that the crabs can reach INTO the cone from the outsidw, so I’m

fighting for ½” squares.

Entrance is 12” body is 24” long, and the exit is 2-1/8”. I

will send you schematics today- I just wanted to get some words

out to you so we can start modulating. I feel that any REAL

CRABBER will go GA GA for my design. TOTAL CHECKMATE!

I love you, man! But, you’re NOT getting my Miller Lite!

Thanx for calling- I guarantee you we’ll have fun whenever

you’re in town…

Love Always,